Ready or not, it’s here! It’s nearly midnight and I am just seven short hours away from checking into the hospital. I know I need to get in bed but I wanted to jot a few thoughts down before I do. I have had so many people checking in this week, encouraging me and reminding me that there is an army praying over me. I just want to hug all of you and thank you a million times over for each text and call. It means the world to me to know people are alongside me in this journey.
Mostly, everyone wants to know how I am really doing. The truthful answer is I’m doing great 90% of the time. 90% of the time I feel strong, confident and full of peace. I know I have made the best decisions for me and God has led us every step of the way. I continue to be overwhelmed with gratitude for the situation I am in. I know full well not every woman facing a cancer diagnosis is in my shoes. Deeply grateful is all I can say.
5% of the time I feel overwhelmed with the lists, the appointments, the laundry, the calls and the logistics that need to be worked out in order for life to go on smoothly in my recovery. The other 5% of the time I struggle with feeling anxious or fearful to be honest. If I allowed my thoughts to wonder uncontrolled, they would spiral quickly and land in some pretty dark places. I begin to worry about the silliest of things. I get scared of going into surgery. I freak out that the recovery will be too hard, too painful, simply too much. I’m human and a Momma…it’s in my nature to worry. If I didn’t grab all those thoughts by the reigns that 10% would creep up and grow into 20 and then 30 and then 40 and I would be swallowed up before I even realized what was happening.
Time and time again when I begin to feel anxious or overwhelmed I have been able to anchor myself in the many ways I’ve seen God go before me. It just takes a second to reflect and I find myself bursting with thankfulness as I can declare “look at what the Lord has done!” Every single time I do that, my fears feel so small. I’m able to prioritize in the moment and the tasks and to do’s seem manageable once again. I just tell myself that God has truly gone before me and he isn’t about stop now. He is not only with me but he has given me no reason to doubt that no matter what happens, he will continue to direct me and protect me.
So, here I sit at midnight. Taking a few deep breaths. Breathing in peace, breathing out fear. I feel calm. I feel thankful. I feel strong. I feel ready. See you all in a few short hours!!